Answers to reader mail

Actually, that title's a lie. I rarely get email from this blog, but I have noticed -- courtesy of StatCounter -- that there have been a lot of people finding their way here by asking questions via search engine. And most of the time -- when they're not about Patricia Heaton, Lea Salonga or frosted hair -- they're questions that aren't answered on the blog. So I'll try to tackle a few of them (question marks and articles added where appropriate):

What is Steve Blanchard's salary as the lead role in "Beauty and the Beast"?

Less than what Angela Lansbury got paid to do the movie, but more than whatever kid is playing the teacup now is taking home. And, I'll wager, probably more than what I make.

Is Jenn Colella a lesbian?

Most of the questions revolve around determination of someone's sexuality. In Ms. Colella's case, I have no idea, but she played one effectively in "The Color Purple." (UPDATE: I have no idea what I'm talking about, as I was obviously mixing up Jenn Colella and someone else. But I'm sure she would be a great Celie. Even though she's white. Carry on.) While I'm on the subject, I also have no idea whether Tyler Hanes, Wentworth Miller or Johnny Galecki are gay, either. Sure, I could make educated guesses, but I don't have any hard evidence on any of them. Unfortunately.

How can you tell if a Gemini is gay?

Hmmm. Well, I'm a Virgo, but I'll try to answer anyway. My guess would be that in the case of a Gemini, you should probably find some way to determine whether they enjoy sexual relations with people of the same gender. If that answer is in the affirmative, then they probably are gay. By the way, this also would apply to all the other Zodiac signs. Except Scorpios. Those people will do anything with opposable thumbs.

How do I make applesauce?

Here's my special recipe: Go to the store, and buy a jar of applesauce. Dump it into a bowl, add in some cinnamon, and if high-falooting company is coming, some raisins. Say it's an old family recipe.

Toot, toot, tootie?

Excuse you.

Gay pedophilia photo?

Sorry, could you say that again? The dude from Dateline NBC couldn't quite hear what you were saying. Besides, I might look like a spring chicken, boys, but believe me -- I'm well over 17.

Anne Coulter Baldwin?

That would be the best marriage ever. Unless we're talking Stephen Baldwin. No "e" in her name, by the way. That might help with future searches.

Have I stayed too long at the fair, Marlene?

Not at all! Have one more sausage on a stick and jump on the Tilt-a-Whirl.

Hot gym steamroom on YouTube.

That's not a question. But you have my attention.

Who is Justin Chatwin dating?

Not me. Thus, I don't care.